I’m Gonna Need You to Go Ahead and Come In Tomorrow

The theme of Michael Bungay Stanier’s new book, How to Work with (Almost) Anyone is building what he calls the Best Possible Relationship (BPR), be that with a boss, subordinate, colleague, or client. “Most working relationships aren’t disastrous,” he writes, “but every working relationship has its share of hurts and misunderstandings and frustrations.” Surely we agree that Shirley from sales is, well… a lot.

So, as you begin 2024 in earnest, wide-eyed and optimistic, below are some suggestions on interpersonal development from the guy known as MBS (the author, not the crown prince who orders the dismantling of journalists by bone saw):

• Work relationships should be safe (no fear of being humiliated), vital (everyone knows the game and why they’re playing), and repairable (the commitment and capacity to fix damage and carry on).
• Invite colleagues into meaningful conversations. It’s okay to say you think the “working relationship that’s gone a little stale, one you’d like to reset.” If you think it’s stuck or broken, they’ll likely agree.
• Inform them that the goal is to find your way back – together – to a time when it was a more successful partnership. Say that you’re going to prepare for the exchange and encourage them to do the same.
• Rip off the band-aid and deal with it. “If all you do is talk about the good, you’ll have neither wisdom nor resilience during the tough times.” This also sets a positive precedent to deal with any future negatives that may arise.
• Honor so-called social contracting, meaning there’s a level playing field built for mutual exchange. Both participants should want to ask & answer questions because “without both give and take, it’s not a contract.”
• When overwhelmed by a situation, break it into four buckets: data (incontrovertible truths); judgments (opinions bent to your worldview); feelings (entwined with judgments, forming “an unholy cocktail of distorted understanding”); and wants (based on balancing your respective strengths and blind spots).
• Like teenage acne, painful afflictions can lie just below the surface. When a relationship feels off, say so. “Sometimes there’s a hurt to be healed, a minor transgression to be acknowledged and worked through.”
• It may make sense to reset and begin anew. Answer this keystone question: “What do we need to know about each other so that we can reforge a BPR together.” The author admonishes us to plant the seeds of repair and recovery.

Does it work with everyone? Nope, hence the book’s title. It takes two to tango (and tangle). Stanier admits, “Sure, some will be manipulative, entitled, self-obsessed, and utterly indifferent” to your efforts. But those people live on the fringes. Most of us want BPRs, so go get ’em, tiger.

If you have anything to say about this – or book recommendations – kindly post below (rather than emailing me) to spark conversation. Thank you!