Remember Frankie Valli? Surely you do, especially if late December back in ’63 was a very special time for you to, um, lose certain things. Less memorable than the Four Seasons’ #1 hits is Valli’s writing partner, the almost famous Bob Gaudio. The two of them made a handshake pact decades ago through which they promised to always split their income 50/50. Valli made a cool $2 million for singing the title track to Grease and gave half to his lifetime buddy; Gaudio returned the favor three years later after producing The Jazz Singer. It’s these types of factoids readers will find in Keith Ferrazzi’s Who’s Got Your Back. Ferrazzi wants his followers to build indelible relationships through small groups of folks who can be counted on for sound advice, challenging ideas, etc. One need not be a pop star with a writing partner on a white-hot streak to live this concept; you can simply find folks who’ll mutually agree to do whatever it takes to drive meaningful, ongoing arrangements such that everyone profits immeasurably. He calls these “lifeline relationships.” Read this book if building those is on the ol’ to-do list.
The author believes strongly that all of us need outside help on projects “that would tie us into knots if we tried to go it alone.” He goes on to say that we can create lifeline relationships as long as we work on four key mindsets, namely generosity, vulnerability, candor, and accountability. Easy, right? Just be a straight-shooting giver with an in-check ego. Boom! (Aren’t you all of those things already? No?) His has terrific definitions, for example saying accountability is “about giving and receiving the feet-to-the-fire tough love through which real change is sustained.” If your feet aren’t burning hot and if you don’t have people putting positive pressure on you every week or month, something is missing. It gets a bit weird when Ferrazzi rambles about having what he terms long, slow dinners that sound one part debaucherous, two parts creepy, but he nails the concept that we all need to be pushed somehow. The running theme: shed the yes men, seek genuine feedback, and make commitments that make you uncomfortable. And fine, spring for the second dessert if that’s what it takes.
The biggest takeaway from Who’s Got Your Back may be the advice on listening. Let’s divide the population into two types: those who admit to checking their phones obsessively and liars. (Oh, really: you, what, keep your iPhone in the glove box? You want us to believe you don’t have your cell handy on the treadmill?) It’s likely safe to say people listened more keenly, stayed more in the moment, back when mass hysteria about telephone technology was when you got an extra-long cord or – whoa – a second extension! Back then, we spoke at length with our neighbors or the parents of our kids’ friends; now, we tweet at Mom and have a Pavlovian response to every smartphone bell. So, let’s face it: listening has suffered. If distraction is your Achilles heel, you can work on The Four R’s of Listening (pp. 183 – 5): removed, reactive, responsible, and receptive. Yup, each level is an improvement on the one before it. The result? Meaningful conversations that’ll last much longer than Mr. Valli did that night. (C’mon, sing it: Do do do do do, do do do do do!)