There are three types of folks in this world, says Wharton professor/rock star Adam Grant: givers, matchers, and takers. Those who enjoy the most success in their given fields tend to be givers. Makes sense, no? These are the people who are helpful and generous with their time, boosting the performance and success rate of those around them, later realizing help and kindness in return. But here’s the thing; people who wallow at the bottom of their professions are also givers, which is what makes Grant’s book Give and Take so utterly compelling and brilliant. Sure kids, pay it forward but have a plan already and don’t be a doormat. If nothing else, this book will help you detect which type of person is in your midst and help you act accordingly. For example, while a giver will help without strings attached, a matcher will come calling for back-scratching reciprocity and we should recognize the difference. Bonus: Also outlined is how Jonas Salk and Frank Lloyd Wright were selfish takers, both of whom could’ve played lead roles in “Horrible Bosses.” Ooh, juicy gossip, decades removed!
“Successful givers expand the pie in ways that benefit themselves as well as their groups,” writes Grant. He goes on to outline how vulnerability – what he terms “powerless communication” – serves givers so well. If we genuinely seek to help other people while at the same time ask many probing questions and seek advice ourselves, we build prestige among even those skeptical of our credibility or status. He says this works especially well in highly competitive negotiations. We’ve heard that the best negotiations aren’t zero-sum or win/lose, rather that all participants feel that the proceedings are conducted fairly. The author cites studies that prove that expert negotiators ask more than twice as many questions as those rated as average. So we seek first to understand, show our genuine interest in fairness, and end up more highly rated. Not half bad, right?
In true Stephen Colbert fashion (truthiness, anyone?), Grant also coins a new word you might add to your dictionary: otherish. Folks described as such “care about benefiting others, but they also have ambitious goals for advancing their own interests” which are kept “in the rearview mirror, taking care to trust but verify.” No time to read Give and Take? No worries. You can simply start practicing The Five Minute Rule and see what happens. The rule says you will give five minutes to literally anyone (random strangers included), helping in any way possible. When you do that, you can screen for who the potential takers are and then downshift. Sure, you want to be generous with all people, but reward other givers unconditionally, and then go with a more measured approach with the me-first greedy basta… um, takers. So next time someone asks if you’ve got a minute, tell ’em you have five, and then listen, being alert to how you can help them advance their cause. Just don’t have a stop watch ticking.